I hate being you

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I am having weird out bursts and I’d like to blame it on the mercury retrograde. There is this lump in my throat….I am suffocating! It’s so hard to breath when you are not feeling like yourself. I thought my character growth x my personality growth were at their peak. I thought I was doing just fine. I was speaking more, I was more engaged, I am reading more, i am picking up new hobbies. But I feel trapped!
I hate that sick feeling, that small space, those small walls closing in. I hate being vulnerable. I hate being unpredictable. I hate hiding. I am a very open person, I’ll tell you alot of things in the first week after we’ve met. And that does not mean that I trust You, I am just being myself.

I love laughing out loud! I am a good listener. I’ll pay attention to the smallest detail. I’ll make an effort to know you and make you feel comfortable. But every time that I show the world the best side of me, I am called weak. I have been told that I am vulnerable just because I am so emotional and that I have to hide more. I hate being boxed. I know that I am amazing but then I am reminded on how i should feel and act!

I love yellow, orange and green. Although I put on black. It’s easy to rock the black colour at anytime and in any kind of weather. I love to let out my hair! And I am so doing those coloured braids. I don’t like secrecy! I love pins, I love doing my nails. I’ll do heels once in a while. I love short skirts, jeans and other things but I also love baggy shirts. I love podcasts, I just realised that I hate reading (I don’t know how I survived the literature and history class), I am not good at making my own jokes but I’ll definitely laugh at your jokes.

I am smart, my first date questions are the simplest though! I love pink lips, a good listener and I hate someone who’ll question my emotions. My ego isn’t a threat but my heart is. And I will not pretend to like You! My eyes will give it all away. They are never in line with the rest of my body language. I am very patient but then I am very thin on love. I’ll give you my all, at a point you’ll think that I am clingy and that I don’t know how and when to move on. But when I get over you and I decide to move on……..

My emotions and my thoughts are overwhelming. So is my depression, I feel like it is extreme. People talk about mere moddswings yet I am having suicide thoughts intact I have had suicide thoughts for 3years now. I feel like my friends are always speechless whenever I talk to them about what’s going on. I feel like people do not relate. Am I the only one thats moving too fast or is it my timeline thats different.
I fear making mistakes. I hate that harsh fog and coldness which fills my heart after I mess up. I hate stepping up but for some reason people push me to be a leader and an example.

My playlist is the messiest. I love music that was released in 2000. I have come to like drake recently. I have fallen in love with Saint jhn. A little bit of Beyonce, bea Miller, Frank ocean, lady gaga, naava and more. Yes, I have a sex playlist and video game playlists which is mainly edm. I love comics, anime. I hate heroes though that’s why I side with vandal savage.

My bloody mood swings just kicked in.

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