“I just wanted you to know that I actually loved you.”
I know I am supposed to get to the point immediately but then I can’t. Originally this was supposed to be a blog article that talks about my break up experiences and my emotions at the time and how I have finally cleared up my head space! Then the stories got too long and I realised that I cannot tell it all nor can I write down all the details. Poetry was not a choice either, those short lines that are meant to rhyme and to tell a story and to evoke a thousand emotions wasn’t going to cut it. Besides, poetry puts me in that small narrow space and i hate it. Then the title changed to boy chronicles and it still didn’t say it all. I actually realised that I am angry and I am done with it all.
Honestly, I feel like my dating experiences have been a bitch. I don’t have many exes, just 2 and they are still lingering around and then the rest are just flings or crushes I suppose. And here’s my one million dollar question, “Why do all of you realise am great and amazing when i fucking decide walk away?” Why are you tailing me, why the fuck are you showing that energy that i needed when i loved you? I honestly hate the I miss you texts and the promises. There is something annoying about past promises or rather broken promises, even though you try to fulfil them now, it will not make a difference.
I know alot of girls will relate or they relate. It sucks being an option and a fucking rug to someone. And that’s how i felt and you realising that am a queen right now is hilarious and disgusting. Should i spell it out for you again, ” D.I.S.G.U.S.T.I.N.G” I put you on a fucking pedastal and worshipped you and what did i get two fucks of I don’t care from you. And here’s a hit, I was a queen before right now am a “king” and am about to be a glorious hades.
Where were you when I asked for your time, where were your replies when I sent multiple texts, I am not a toy. Where were you when I asked myself questions about were we stand and now you all want a do over like I am some fucking book that you just open a free page and doodle.
I know some of you were expecting a more calculative and accurate and precise and a more important topic well my heart is important. And all I wanted to be was apart of your life, I do not need excuses and am not pushing you to choose me, I just need to know and feel involved with you. You do not have to walk down the relationship path, I just want to know how your day was with maximum details involved, I just want to know what’s bothering you, am just worried.
And am sorry about the shifts in my mood, I cannot control it especially when your energy changes. I just need 5minutes of your time just to know how you are!? Just 5minutes but an hour couldn’t hurt nor a phone call… I just need you to say something.
I know am being selfish but what’s love anyway? I’ll probably write more about love….. some day!