sometimes its peaceful not to know
Is closure overrated or even needed?What is it with closure? In most cases, most people want to know what went wrong or what led to the failure or a break up. For those that do not know what closure is, it is when the two or even more people decide to sit down and discuss or unveil what happened during a relationship or friendship. Closure is loaded with knowing what exactly transpired, what emotions were involved, who and what and where did things go wrong, why someone did what they did or how they felt when they did this or how they felt when you did certain things to them. In most cases, getting closure is all about settling the whole clog and clearing up a few things that happened in the past. It can get a little messy and difficult. Sometimes, it might take so much more than just talking it out but also analyzing the moments and events of how things went down. But here is my question, do you really want to know, could you be really ready to know that you were in wrong, is it the one way to get your peace, do you want to pick up the past and go back to that pain, do you really need the pressure, besides are you even sure that what the other party will say is the truth? I know I said I had one question but closure is one topic that gets really uncomfortable and honestly brings out so many doubts.
Disclaimer; these are my own views from my past experiences or with what I have seen happening with friends. And thus they’ll be one sided since I am female but feel free to express your views in the comment section. I’ll definitely reply.
So, closure. Let’s first talk about the moment you seek to get closure from the other party. At the time, it might seem like you can handle it. For me, when I and my best friend had split (informally due to the space and all), she and I had started talking again but the talks weren’t as they were before. There was a big gap that needed to be filled. I needed answers. My best friend had gotten another best friend and the way I found out was very hurting. It was from social media. The reason I am saying this is, my break ups with my best friends have actually hurt more than my break ups with males but the male examples will drop in too. So, we hadn’t talked in two years, I mean the communication had dropped and I knew there was something wrong but where do I start. You know that moment when you see her happy pictures, when you talk and you realize that you are actually straining to keep up with the convos, our meet ups weren’t as frequent as before. Generally I kept seeing so many pieces falling, so many broken pieces and I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know how to sort out everything, how did things go so bad in such a short time. So with time, I learnt to accept that it has happened and I need to move on. Early this year, we talked, it wasn’t exactly closure but we talked about it. It didn’t solve much because I am still angry at her and at myself for not being good enough. Story time 2; there is a male I dated in vacation, honestly it was my first time dating. This person was still hang up on their ex to a point that he’d call me his ex’s name. Till he actually cheated on me with the ex. Now I want you to look at both stories and realize that most times we feel inadequate and angry at the other partner which makes us victims to whatever went down. So, here you are in pain, trying to heal, gathering whatever you can and this person shows up again and wants to say sorry but you so badly want to know why. Because you feel like you deserve the sorry and some good answers. Why did you do this, in fact why did you betray me? In the moment of healing, you feel a certain kind of strength or reassurance that you can handle this that you got this, that you can take in whatever they’ll say. And that’s what happens with the other party, if they do come out to want to reconnect and say sorry, they feel like they too can handle anything that will come from your end. Now what’s the end game, you never put into consideration the rejection that might come. Some people, can easily move on. Now they know the truth let’s move on. But we’ve all had this moment when there is this person who comes back and weakens our defenses. All my experiences with closure have been a battle. Cause most times even when I feel like I am in wrong, I feel like I cannot handle the rejection. What rejection? When you are trying to talk about things through, you might try not to step into those grounds were you clash again? You try to play it safe. And try to say it is okay for every wrong thing pointed out. Things happened and yet you have lingering thoughts, emotions that are bouncing up and about within you and they aren’t agreeing.
Rejection number one, your thoughts and emotions vs. your logic. You might pass through it, ride through the waves but let’s be honest, burying the pain yet you agreed to make amends will come out soon. Rejection 2, both you remembering events differently. And what does that mean, one party is lying or even both parties are lying. As you walk into a closure conversation, you need to have your facts and memories right. You don’t want to be getting in the moment and one of you confuses things which might trigger a confrontation or even more anger. And that might dig a bigger pit for both of you. Rejection number 3, a person refusing to talk to you or to even listen to your side of the story or even taking you back. We all want a smooth ride, things might not go back to how they were but most people are hopeful that something good might come out. Now the other party might not agree! Is that a rejection you are ready for? Are you willing to let people go? With closure too, some people’s intentions are not genuine. Some people come back when they know you’ll suck up to whatever they have to say. I love this gang. The toxic gang, that will give so many reasons as to why they were toxic, how they thought you knew what was going on and they were expecting you to have known better and done better when they didn’t and how they’ll never change and how they expect you to get on board with it and let them in again. At times, its manipulation, they might twist and use your words against you, make their intentions unclear only for them to do the same. This is where closure gets tricky. Some people will lie, twist things and make it seem like you were the party that wasn’t committed enough. No one knows what they are protecting probably their insecurities. As long as they get what they want the rest is up to you. And it’s a drag. Most people including me have been through this. Most people will claim to have your best interests at heart but then they’ll do the exact opposite and will not be bothered. What’s with closure being overrated!? I got tired of seeking answers. Moving on and not looking back can sometimes be the best option. And sometimes we confuse forgiveness for closure. Closure is more like let’s settle things, wrap it up and most times it doesn’t end that way even when we seek to talk things out. Sometimes, we don’t exactly have to seal things with answers nor a clear way forward like being friends again. The search to make things better and to try to fix them can worsen a wound or the pain. Different people will handle different situations differently. One’s pain might not exactly be the same as for another person in the same situation. Whereas some things might seem light and easily handled, not are answers are meant to be sown or understood. A bitter fact that we must agree with. Also forgiving without or with closure needs a lot of courage. Closure is known as facing through the answers or facing the facts of what happened but with forgiveness, its accepting, its more than letting go and it brings peace. In my opinion closure can bring uncertainty at times. You might question yourself multiple times and whereas you are held accountable by the other party and by yourself, we have to agree that not at all times is it going to bring peace nor are you going to come to terms with it. Some people might say it’s a good riddance but deep down it isn’t at all how you feel but at times that discomfort you have to deal with it. And sometimes, some friendships or relationships are best left to the imagination, with no closure. Sealing off that past and letting it go. Trying to forgive and be free with the past. Sometimes closure might trap you back in an uncomfortable situation that you might not be able to escape.
“Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could be any different. Closure is the psychological version of closing something, ‘moving on’. You can forgive but still not have closure” OPRAH WINFREY.