NB // DISCLAIMER; This blog did not go as planned. It was supposed to be about assumptions in friendships but my emotions got in the way, I drifted off and lost track. But hopefully you will be able to feel the wave of emotions. I am not going to re-edit or remove a thing.
Nomatter how old you grow, friendships don’t get any easier. You never know it all with people, I guess its human nature even after being friends for 15 plus years, something new or unexpected springs up. Mamma said that your friends get fewer, but even then its not a gurantee that you’ll handle it better. Honestly, its hectic dealing with people in general and this does not exclude friends, they are people too although its harder handling afew issues with friends cause of the importance we tie down to them. Human nature, is a flaw within a flaw, parents do have assumptions about us, we do too, they are certain of who we must turn out to be or they assume a life or positions that we will take up. Same goes for us, we assume that our parents have a certain position or hold a certain truth or power on us and are accepted and expected to do certain thinhs because of the position they hold.
As a society, we have internalized sections or positions that hold importance and certain power. This ensures how a society functions or how it grooms a next generation. We find posts or stations that are accepted and expected to be filled and acted upon accordingly. We attached roles, responsibilities which added value and importance to these positions. Which brings me to friends, we are encouraged to make friends, share with friends, be kind to friends etcetera. And at all levels depending on the needs, we are pushed to expect, to ask and to assume that certain things will be done to us because of the friendship status. Most times projection is from guilt or even from what we demand of purselves incase we are in such positions. Nomatter the age, whether you advance or not friendships have needs, expectations and assumptions.
We expect certain things and assume that they will be done but if it is not done then are we less of friends or are we not of value anymore. I read somewhere that assumptions are people’s ‘best guesses’. We guess and gamble even on our friendships like money. Friendships are valuable and their intake consumes alot. They define us- who we are, who we want to be, who I aspire to be. I have seen multiple questions posed about one’s ‘ squad’ or ‘tribe’ and whether they benefit you, whether they help you grow’ all these might spark controversial thpughts, deeper enlightenment or reflection but to what extent are we going to weigh our friendships on what we are to gain and not what we invest in. Or why is it all about money, investments, presentation, why are friendships about how and who you are with and not who and how you are of value to oneself and to the team.
The Twist is that- society already has a big guess or expectation or assumption and even a conclusion on who your friends are or should be. An unbalanced conviction that affects our confidence and how or who we stay with. ‘You need a reason to stay’ even in a relationship. If they don’t do this then why are you friends, if they don’t say this why are you still friends. These might often clash with out growing friends ( which is normal ) but it could be one being blinded by whatever they want to be done for them but not what they too have to offer.
Funny thing is that even as I write this, there is so much to unpack. So, much weight. The beauty or rather the down side with life is our realities are massively different, each hold a certain fold, and weight. You can never figure it out. And honestly I feel like I should have written about being the old friend in the new friend equation ( comparison). Transitioning or being the 21 year old has placed me in positions were I have had to compromise and truly try to understand people’s reasons for why they who they are and why they do or did what they did. And I have been masking it- the pain, the confusion, the emptiness for so long and they too might have been doing the same. What I might say or write here might be damaging but I want to say that I understsnd the pain and hurt and wish you the best either way. An assumption or an expectation on what your friends should be and do should be reflected with you too. I love the tweets and posts about dinners and outings with friends but having to stand and know that your friend has another friend and you donot match up is massive. Or having to know that a friend assumed or compared you to a new friend or to whatever thought they had about what they expected is dampening and horrifying. And to know that dinners or outings might not get you all to openly talk about what the fuvk is going on cause neither of you might know why things are the way they are. Or having to move forward from a conflict that you didn’t entirely circle around or discuss is a hard step. Seeing a once great friend lean more to the other vircle of friend while you are in air with no landing is not an amazing feeling. All of these are assumptions- doubts, fears of what it might have been, should have been or what you currently want it to be.
I cannot comprehend the pain of being the bad or lesser friend. I have had to stand in this same spot over and over again and I have put multiple people or I still put them in this fold or spot of the bad friend. Having love for someone that you knew you fell short for or later learnt that what you were doing is not exactly friendship material hurts. Afew friends that I have had from high school, I can’t help but wonder if those friends are doing better for her than I have done or what I am doing as a friend. You can never run away from the pain, the thought or the wonder of who you are and where you stand as a friend.
Guesses- a deadly game and asking doesn’t exactly open the right doors that one needs. There is so much complexities with friendships and with time, as my 20s or even as my life goes on, I might lean back to this friendship topics. Hopefully, I’ll be less confused than I am right now as I jot this down.