The 2021 dating glitch: the save me or them act.

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He drinks and I live a life of sobriety, she’s an easy lay and I only have a body count of 2, he has daddy issues so do I, why can’t we date!? Most times, we look at people’s trauma or at what they have gone through or what they are going through and feel the need to be that one good thing that has happened to them- a saviour. I read a poem about how once in a lifetime, we love to hurt and we love to get hurt in the end sound familiar! Yes, for me anyway and for some of my friends. I honestly feel like the love stories today are filled with trauma and people sitting by to wait for the other party to get better while they are being good and doing all they can to stand by this human who isn’t getting better. Mind you this doesn’t discriminate the genders. A lot of 20 something girls and boys are going through it and the 30-year-olds plus have a testimony or they are still stuck in such relationships. Reminds me of people who are already married or our parents, this lady in the neighbourhood upon finding out that her man is cheating, her cries were filled with I withstood your drinking plus your bad attitude, I cooked and cleaned etc. But why do we always end up here over and over again? How are we being ‘clowns’ and negotiating how we should be loved and treated. And then we have people that preach on the ‘ the bitter truth is that relationships need a lot of forgiveness, endurance, a man endures the woman’s nagging and a woman endures the foolishness’ which for me, puts me in a tough spot, I feel conflicted and denied of so much. Yes, people make mistakes, we all do but does understanding someone’s foolishness involve crying in the bathroom alone, enduring a beating, emotional manipulation on the ‘tiny issues’ depression, neglect of home issues etc. For me, understanding and solving conflict involves talking and most of this Twitter and tiktoc advice makes me feel like you have to ignore and move on to compromise- I feel denied, desperate and alone in a fight cause even when you are one with someone you are alone and yes, some major steps are done by you to keep a few things moving yet it should be a team effort. Communication is hard. It truly is but to what extent do I have to be silent and unhappy but pretend to be happy. To be sore, angry and heaving inside yet you have to let it slide because you are being patient. Anyway, what is with the save me or someone mantra?

We are all romantics which is okay and we all want to love, I mean who doesn’t. But most of our first times or we have had a lover/partner that might not give exactly reciprocated the love that we are showing or we had to be in a position where we often had to take the ‘high road’ and compromise. Being the hero. And most young adults today drink (most of which are addictions) but we drink, misuse drugs and tag trauma to these habits- they might be valid but to what end. What does it take for one to act right to everyone that they date or to be honest about how they feel (it isn’t a crime not liking someone but stringing them on is- I can’t even find the word (s) for it). Letting in a drunk man or woman into your bed after they ignored your existence before they had that drink is nerve breaking. What I have witnessed in most of these scenarios is people who run to something else to aid their failure or trauma aren’t putting you first! It’s always their bottle first or whatever sweet addictions that they have- they are runners. They prey on your understanding and patience and can get away with forgetting your anniversary or a meet up with you. ‘the I’ll always be there is never treasured for they know that they can always explain it to you and you’ll understand. The school of thought that arises out of such arguments is ‘as long as he or she comes back to you, as long as you are the one that she or he love’- sounds familiar. At a point, we have all said it or thought about it but in the end, we stalked his or her ex or that ‘slip up / one-night stand’ trying to find out what we aren’t doing right. Chaos! Drama! It isn’t loved!! The other school of thought that comes up is the whole ‘bad boy wild girl vs good girl faithful boyfriend’ hmm how I loved this when I used to read watt pad novels, I idolized it without knowing the context or what happens. We tagged certain habits to the ‘bad boy/ girl nature- those little things you do that aren’t entirely acceptable or those little taboos, we found bravery in people who did these things openly after all they did not die, they lived on, they are happy, they were ‘themselves’ they are real. Yes, they are…. but we mired our minds into thinking that this bravery or these acts are somewhere distant but we also alienated people who did these ‘things’, we immediately tagged them aka bad kids aka cool kids aka whatever you said! We ridiculed them but deep down we loved what they did because we tagged importance to it, the bravery! And since they were in a certain league that seemed unreachable well we accepted it. And when they reached out, we grabbed onto that and held on to it. Now that we are little young adults this kind of division exists, now most of us drink but there is a bar to this kind of bravery because we placed certain events to this bravery which birthed a need to either be that bravery or stay on the sidelines. Most of the things that we were told to stay away from are the things that we tagged as important- bravery. Anyway, virginity and sex are all that we see now and importance is tagged to it. Funnily, we are still passing on little notes of judgment as we do with the drinking and drugs. Anyway, we are now staying with serial cheaters, mini drunkards and wasting our 20s away with people who know or think that they have a couple more shots with you because you love them and you are that one beautiful thing in their life. Honestly, I think I am now way past it.

Of course, I want to be the rose among the daisies, the one that’s treasured and picked and loved but I guess that what makes it even harder to believe. It’s common, because we all want that and we desire to be picked because we are told to stay put and wait to be chosen, we want to be the change, the reason why they grew up! This gets me thinking, why can’t find an already grown human! A responsible human, who is ready and self-fulfilled at least. Do I have to save someone and show them that my love is true? Now that I sit back and think about it, that’s what I want, at most someone who is willing to help themselves because they love themselves and are willing to be better for themselves and me. And with this comes a disclaimer, one having issues doesn’t mean that they are not worth being loved or that they do not deserve love and compassion but as a human, you need to take responsibility and groom yourself instead of giving half of yourself. It is a hard road working on oneself but if you truly treasure the person you are with you’d know that yes, they’ll be there to support and remind me but most of the work comes from me as a person. Feel, sure wonder and let go. Be better for the person that you love, what hurts is that in most of these scenarios people do not give up or leave because they don’t like who you are but because you do not love them as much as they love you even in the ways that you claim that you know or that you can offer to love. People leave because they are hurt that you want to stay that way or that you do not see more of yourselves in their eyes or yours at most! They see you dying and wasting away! They let go because you might not have much to offer them and you a safe life and love which will help you both grow.

And if they do not see that in you hun! It’s more than okay to let go. Do not suffocate and drown yourself in a love that dulls you for a love that will only give you warmth when they find it fit for themselves to have.

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